Behind The Madness

Breaking the Bloggy Silence

2011-03-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

I must apologize to my 2.5 followers for never updating my blog. I know you've been waiting and hoping each day for a new post! I've just been busy from all this child rearing and Ironman training..... but I've been thinking (dangerous for me) about some stuff.... so here it is-

Some of you... probably most of you know I've been training for a Triathlon in June. It's been rigorous, exhausting, and extremely fun! I love a good challenge that brings me to the brink of myself. I need to have goals in my future or I would be hopeless. Anyway I was on my bike the other day and I started thinking about how this training has been different from others.... now, I hate it when people say things like this because it irritates me when everything becomes spiritual and what not BUT.... that is exactly how I feel about this particular goal. The last few months I've been on hiatus in a matter of speaking. I felt so burnt out with the whole mess of church and service and prayer and bible study and and and and.... all these expectations that I put on myself.... everything felt like an obligation and one day I just threw my arms up and said "enough!" I vented to my husband how I was feeling..... I vented to God all my frustrations and waited to be struck by lightning...... I guess He was feeling extra kind that day because I did survive the gripe fest unharmed. I decided that if I wasn't doing things out of a heart of Love then I should take a big step back. I'm learning how to say no. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do things even when we don't feel like it.... but I just felt in my heart that I needed a break and a better perspective. So that is what I did. If I felt like staying home Sunday morning, I did. And I didn't feel guilty about it. If I was feeling overwhelmed with my Bible Study curriculum... I just left it blank. I asked the Lord to please show me grace through this season ( I guess I was feeling guilty still) and He did. I let things roll off my back and didn't worry what anyone would think about it. Who cares anyway? I can't make everyone happy.... trying to do that is how I got in this mess in the first place. So I concentrated on my family and my training. Then, one day I was riding, and a thought popped into my head.... Maybe God created me the way I am for a purpose? I was surprised by this thought because I was beginning to think I had dropped one too many F-bombs and God had given up on me. Turns out you can drop the F-bomb and still be saved.... disclaimer: I'm not recommending cursing, but there are some situations in life where it seems only profanity will do. Like when you smash your finger in the cabinet... or take a spill on your bike with your feet still clipped in... or your child spills an entire box of cereal on the floor then smashes it all into powder. Just a few examples..... anywho, I started to think that my lack of a filter (I've heard people have those) may actually serve a good purpose instead of just getting me into trouble. And maybe all the bluntness which seems to always get me in trouble or leave me with feelings of remorse could be refreshing to some..... Maybe. I'm starting to think I've been limiting myself with all these expectations about how I think I "should" be. Who freaking cares about all that crap?? Maybe I am what I am.... and that could possibly in some crazy messed up world be a good thing... Maybe. That is where the realizations end for now..... I'm still mulling it over. And I've got plenty of hours in the pool, on my bike, and running to meditate on it..... I'm thankful God hasn't given up on me... and I promise to drop fewer f-bombs in the future.... Maybe.

Ironman

2010-08-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

I have decided to give the Ironman another try. So on June 26 2011 this muffin top (hopefully much smaller) will drag herself through 140 miles in 17 hours or less. Oh my. What have I done? More updates soon.

May/June madness

2010-06-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

I must apologize for my lack of updating. So to my 6 followers I am deeply sorry. I know it's been a huge void in your life.

May and June have been interesting. We finished up school (home school) and the Summer began. Now a few weeks in I'm thinking of putting everyone in school in the fall. Mommas tired! Without much routine things can get crazy. My weight loss has been consistent though. Who knew diet and exercise worked so well? I cracked down on myself pretty hard and the work has paid off. Plus I added an extra day of running because I'm attempting to increase my speed. I'll let you know how it works out. I'm hoping to go from snail pace to turtle pace.

I discovered that having my son's 2yr old birthday coming up has motivated me. I'm thinking I want to be past this by then. 2 years is a long time to be struggling with your weight. I'm teaching a class tomorrow on staying trim, it kind of feels like a victory that I was even asked to do it. Also my husband sent me out to go shopping since I have no clothes that fit. It felt so good to be excited about shopping again! I found some great stuff too.

All in all the last few months have been great. My muffin top has gone from jumbo size to medium. Maybe one day it will be a mini muffin. You know, those lemon poppy seed ones......mmmmm..... ok I think it may stay medium. but that's fine with me.

Fat pics skinny pics

2010-05-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

Ok guys. At the very top is me in Times Square this February at about 150lbs. This is my most recent pic. Under it is last Thanksgiving at about 160. Not feeling good! Especially standing next to my gorgeous sister Annie! And Below are two pics from last fall.... I was between 160-165 in both of these. Now I do have some REAL big pics from right after Shiloh but I haven't uploaded them yet. I'm not afraid or embarrassed at all! This is me, this is real. This is an every day struggle for every day women. There is no shame here.

More to come!

The Importance of Being My Playlist

2010-04-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am completely dependent on my play list. If my ipod dies during a run I get in my car and go home. One of my worst nightmares is my ipod running out of power at the other end of the trail, leaving me music-less for 2.5 miles. God forbid! Now I have quite a few good running partners so I don't have to run alone too often. But when I go to the gym I have to have my music. Especially if I am braving the treadmill. I abhor that horrible machine. Two miles feels like seven and you can see exactly how far you have gone, or not gone. It is tedious. Now if the gym provides magazines like US Weekly then that can soften the blow. It's amazing how looking at pictures of Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise can make a workout better. Not to mention those pictures of celebrities pumping their own gas or taking a big bite out of a burger. But at the Y they don't see this trash as necessary so they are few and far between. And I feel bad buying them from the store. So I have found that my play list is a workout lifesaver. Nothing too slow and definitely no cheesy stuff. I love The Killers, they are my number one band right now. I can make it through 60 minutes on the elliptical this way. Add Suri and it's even fun. Now once I make it to lifting weights I switch over to maybe some John Mayer. He may be a total idiot, but I like his music. Now let's just talk about weight lifting. I lift about 3 times a week, putting me around all the annoying men at the gym..... 3 times a week. I love lifting weights but I get so irritated by men at the gym. Oh they walk around flexing and grunting. And they drop the weights and throw them around making the most noise possible. Oh and Checking themselves out in the mirror! It is ridiculous, but I can understand men gotta be men so I turn up the tunes to drown them out. Oh and steer clear of the flying sweat! Gross! When the high school kids are there it almost puts me over the edge. 16yr old girls barely dressed fixing their hair and pulling out their wedgies while admiring their new mystic tan. So if John isn't doing the trick I hit some Tom Petty. One of my all time faves. Oh and of course U2 and Coldplay. With exercise and weight loss I need things to look forward to, and great music helps me with my workout. Hey, with all this work there needs to be some fun!

Weekend Wreckless Abandon

2010-04-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

What is it about the weekend that makes us loose our weight loss focus? Why is it that I feel totally justified in eating half a box of white cheddar cheezits at 11am on Saturday? If it's ok for Saturday then why isn't it ok on Tuesday? Weird. Of course every Monday is a day of renewal. Each new commitment is made on Sunday night after burgers and Frito scoops. And don't even try to wear those form fitting exercise pants to the gym on Monday. those are strictly Thursday pants. For some reason in my mind the weekend is my "time off" from all this dieting. It's tiring counting all the calories every day and trying to make it in under my daily allotment. I just want a day or two where I don't have to think about it. I may even put sugar in my coffee..... real sugar *gasp*

But with all these thoughts comes one more. Am I only making my road longer? Maybe if I could stay away from that scone on Saturday morning I would have made it to my goal. Or that glass of wine...... No that won't happen. I have realized I can rationalize myself into anything. The dialogue in my head goes something like this: "Well I had a salad for lunch yesterday, so it's ok to have this bowl of ice cream." Or "I had egg whites for breakfast so it's ok to have chick fil a." I am a genius at convincing myself into getting what I want with minimal guilt. I should teach a class.

So here's to making a little more effort every day..... not just Monday through Friday. I think I'll start next weekend.

Adventures in Weight Loss and severe Muffin Top

2010-04-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

August 3, 2008 I tipped the scales at 187. That was before I had my third baby. I was hoping the baby would take some of that weight with him. It turns out he only weighed 5lbs 8oz. Are you kidding me! Too bad I couldn't give birth to my butt. I was still in shock that I could actually gain that much weight. I've always been slimmer. So when I went from 135 to 187.... well I was floored. After much thought on the subject I realized that I had gotten pregnant after a very painful year. My sister in law had just passed away, and I was still recovering. Unfortunately recovering meant lots of Purple Onion, Ben and Jerry's, and french fries from Arby's. Put that together with a pregnancy, and well, you get about 60lbs of fattness!

September 2008. It's time to start doing something about this weight. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I look more like the michelin man with all these layers. The biggest problem I have is all the nursing was making me so hungry! They say you need an extra 500 calories per day when you're nursing. 500? that's it? I could eat that many calories in my sleep! That's not even one pint of ice cream! (Nobody really only eats one serving of ice cream, do they?) Anyway I was not cleared for exercise yet, so I was walking a little with the baby, and eating plenty, you know, to keep up with the nursing. Peanut m&m's are great for breast milk, didn't you know? At this point I was 176lbs

October 2008. My first trip to Target. I bought a pair of jeans. Size 17. Who knew these sizes existed! I felt horrible and cried the whole way home. My friend gave me her "fat jeans" to wear. I couldn't fit into them. I couldn't fit into someone Else's fat jeans..... major low point. Still holding 176.

November 2008. thanksgiving is coming and I'm giving thanks for all the layers to keep me warm. I get my hair cut short which only emphasizes my chubby cheeks, on my face and my butt. I'm still holding the same weight and disgusted at my younger sister who seems to never be able to cover up her mid driff. And it's a skinny one. Ugh! Also my older sister just hit her goal weight. Great for her! Yadda Yadaa Yadda. No seriously, I was happy for them, in a cynical kind of way. On the upside I have made a new friend who is going to train with me for a half marathon. I'm thankful to make a great friend in Molly, even if she's a beautiful blond with a rockin bod. I'll forgiver her for that because she loves to read and makes me laugh. So I feel I'm on the way to weight loss success. Too bad running can't cancel out Cool Ranch Doritos....

December 2008. Christmas Parties, cookies, wine, eggnog, cookies, cake, cookies. And of course the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks..... Only a million calories. At least I haven't gained any weight. But I haven't lost any either. And running is very tough to do when your thighs rub together and make your pants bunch up a the crotch. Shiloh is still nursing like a champ and I'm still eating like one. I ring in the new year with red velvet cupcakes and champagne. But I'm fasting sugar for the next 3wks so I feel justified.

January 2009. Still running. Still struggling with weight and food. I can fit into a size 14 jeans, but with plenty of muffin top to go around. Anyone want some? I celebrate my 27th birthday and 9 yr wedding anniversary. Cake!

February 2009. Valentines day. Candy, cookies, treats galore. No more fasting so bring on the sweets. Still running and completely puzzled at why I can't loose weight. I mean, I see plenty of skinny women eating sweets..... what's the deal??

march 2009. More of the same. I have a new weight loss friend as my sister in law Betsy just had a baby so we're in the same boat. I giver her my 17's...... they are too big. Hell!

April 2009. I run a marathon 15 minutes faster than I planned. Woo hoo! And I'm at 170. So let me get a woop woop! It was a great time with friends and little Shiloh came along for the ride. I'm feeling more optimistic about this weight thing.

May 2009. I go to Abbey's end of the year party and feel like a huge beast in comparison to other moms. This is difficult. Wish I was my old self.

June 2009. I stop nursing and finally feel like I can get this weight off. I quickly loose 5lbs, leaving me at 165. I finally start monitoring my diet. you know, no more pop tarts, cookies, candy....... more like eggs, whole wheat toast, salads, veggies, fruit, nuts, grilled meat. I'm fine with eating these things. I love them. But I also love bbq chips and cheezits, here in lies the problem. Try and substitute blueberries for chips.... nope, doesn't work. Blueberries are good. But so are cheezits.

July 2009. Summer is here and I feel like a whale in my swimsuit. I'm holding the same weight but finding it hard to loose. My eating is ok but still not consistent. I usually start out great, but really have a hard time around 3pm. That's when I get the munchies. And not for baby carrots. This month we have Shiloh dedicated. It was a sweet day and I did like my dress. Things are looking up

August 2009, I realize my son is one year old and I've only lost about 10-15 lbs of baby weight. PANIC! I join the gym. When I go I wonder if any of the guys notice me. Probably not. But they did notice the huge booger hanging out of my nose one day. DAMN! I just can't win.

September 2009, I'm down a couple of lbs. maybe 163.5. The scale is my mortal enemy. I have dreams of throwing it against the wall or off my balcony. I cannot do this though because it is what grounds me and keeps my from ordering that 470 calorie scone at Starbucks. I'm beginning to think that these people who loose large amounts of weight are heroes. It is so hard. I think they are rock stars.

October 2009 a group of friends are training for the Vulcan 10k. I start meeting them to run. This is a great encouragement and I'm excited to do this race. After completing it I get an email with my pictures. Yea, I should not have worn those shorts. Look out for thunder thighs! Encouragement over. I'm beginning to think that this is my new body and will be forever. I cry myself to sleep many nights.

November 2009. I do a cleanse that gets me down to 155. This is awesome! I feel like I can really do this and hit the gym and the pavement pretty hard. My eating is becoming more consistent. I put a little bit of the weight back on which is normal for a cleanse.

December 2009. The holidays kept me from really loosing but I managed to maintain. I'm excited about my anniversary trip with my husband in February and vow to loose some weight before I go. New York baby! Bagels!

January 2010. I celebrate my 28th birthday and anniversary! I'm down to 150 and feeling like I can really do this. Unfortunately no guys at the gym give me any glances, only the creepy dude at Bruno's. Oh well. This month I have a miscarriage. There is not much to say but it was terribly sad. To try and explain would be a whole other blog post. Comfort food.

February 2010. New York is a great distraction for me. Things start to feel ok. I start using a calorie counter and find success. Down a few more lbs in no time.

March 2010. Shiloh is 20 months and I have gone from 187 to 147. It's been a long road and I'm still not there yet. I'm proud of my achievements so far. We run the Seaside half marathon and I am 30 minutes faster than when my muffin top ran a half the year before! Wahoo! I buy a pair of jeans size 8. Single digits baby! And only 12 lbs to go until I hit pre baby weight. Wow. People are starting to notice and everyone is so supportive. Me and my muffin top are truly blessed.

April 2010. I'm looking forward to finishing up this almost 2yr long stint of dieting. I am tired of trying to loose weight. I'm so sick of salads. Some days it's easy and some days it's not. Did you know an apple at 30g of sugar? That's crazy. And a Moe's homewrecker is like 800 calories. Maybe more. Ignorance is bliss. But I'm working hard and having fun with my running again now that I can do it without feeling like my butt is going to hit someone in the face from bouncing around so much. All in all it is so worth it.

More updated to come on the status of my muffin top.

It's tough being a Woman... Really it is...

2009-06-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I will be complaining in this post.....

My day started at 5:30 this morning. You see this is the time that my precious wonderful gift of a child wants to wake up. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I'm not thrilled to see him no matter how big he smiles at me...oh but he is so cute! I have this feeling like I might cry. But I suck it up and nurse him, then make the coffee and get ready to spend some time with Jesus. I'm glad that I do get this time, with Shiloh playing with his toys the house is pretty quiet and I can really focus..... I savor it because I know it won't last. I find myself rushing and then feel convicted so I try and focus on God..... but in between my prayers of "God help me not to be too prideful today" and " forgive me of my stubbornness" I can't help but think: wow the floors really need to be mopped, oh did I remember to put the clothes in the dryer? Crap I didn't run the dishwasher last night, is that poop on the floor? (shout out to you Molly) what should I wear to bible study? I hate my body! When am I going to run today? I'm hungry! Losing weight is such a pain! Girls you know the story. I feel like there are probably a million thoughts racing through my head every minute. I'm thinking about my friends and what's going on their lives, and my family too, my kids, am I doing a good job of raising them? Do I suck at it? How can I improve? All while using that scrubber thing on the toilet and answering Noah's question of what is the future. Whew! And this is about 10 min of one day! I mean it goes on and on! Let's face it ladies, it's tough being a woman! Now it's tough to be a man too, I don't want to take away from that. But I'm a woman so that is all I can really relate to. Oh and not to mention being a good wife, trying to stay sexy after three pregnancies, and really wanting to be interested in what's going on with them, encouraging them in their careers and just nurturing in general. It's a privilege to be a wife and a mother I know, and I love my man, but today I've been reflecting on just how much I have on my plate. It's quite a lot to juggle! How do I have that Mary heart of just sitting at Jesus' feet all while trying to do all of that work Martha was doing too? I mean girlfriend was just straighting up right? I can relate! But Jesus just blowed her up, so I guess I need to recognize that..... but how? Maybe my 5am times are just that... but it would help if I could forget all the little things for awhile and just focus on being a daughter of the King for once..... Thanks for listening....Love you all...

Adventures in Child ignoring

2009-06-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

So finally I'm back to writing in my blog after a bout to writers block! I was so stressed about it, I kept worrying that I wouldn't be funny.....anyways.....I'm baaack mwaaaaaaa.....

So yesterday I took the kids to the Hoover Library, we were downstairs and I ran into a few of my friends so of course being the social butterfly that I am I started visiting with them and ignoring my kids who were getting stir crazy. Well we decide to go upstairs and we're riding on the elevator but Noah runs away up the stairs.... so still ignoring him I ride the elevator with my friends thinking I'll catch him at the top..... but when we get there he's not there. So I don't wanna look like a bad mom so I say "oh he just ran over to the kids area to play" and keep talking. I know what your thinking... what a bad mom... well your right!! Anyway I send Abbey to look for him and she finds him so they go over to play with the toys. So my friend asks me can I help her find a book.... I say sure... never mind my two children I'm ignoring right now. So I'm looking for this book and I hear a child screaming at the top of his lungs. Of course I think who's loud kid is that... but the more I hear it the more familiar it sounds.... it's Noah... so I run over to him and he had cut his finger on a door, the librarian is trying to help him but he is screaming in her face NOOOOOO NOOOOOO MOMMYYYYY!!! There is a huge crowd around him and as I walk up I feel like all eyes are on me and every one is wondering where was I when all this happened. So I take him to the bathroom and calm him down and we make a quick get away.

So here's a lesson: don't ignore your kids when you can tell they are restless.....

I guess it wouldn't be a Newman family outing without at lest one breakdown, and outburst or two, and some injury

Here's to the Summer! I better stock up on my band aids.... or maybe I'll start wearing sunglasses every where I go and pretending like I don't know who my children are when they're acting up......

Off the Happy Juice

2009-01-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

So this is my newest struggle, all of us know that once you get through one thing something else is lurking just around the corner...... 3 years ago I got on and anti depressant anti anxiety med. I was having some really tough struggles after having my two kids. Let me just say I am so thankful for the help I got from these meds, and for the doctor who helped me see that this wasn't just an easy way out of my problems. Man my life was in a fog, and I had a hard time even getting up and dressed every day. So I took some steps to pull myself out of the pit. I also got some Christian counseling and started exercising every day. All these things together really helped me to get out of my funk. Now in the last month I felt the Lord calling me to rely on him fully. I knew that medicine wasn't a life long solution. Nor did I want it to be, so I went to see my doc and he agreed now was a good time to get off the "happy juice" Well It's been tough. Lots and lots of highs and lows. Some days I wake up and don't even feel like getting up. Other days I feel great. but each week I feel a little better. I really like being off these things! I mean I get so much more excited about stuff.....and although I've had some really bad days all in all I'm glad I did it. I'm thankful to God for being strong in my weakness. I have lifted my eyes unto the hills and found that my help truly comes from the Lord. What a wonderful feeling! When I make myself vulnerable to him, stand before him as I am, he really does come and meet me. It's a wonderful thing to experience! I have to say my poor husband has caught the brunt of all the mood swings, I'm sorry for this, he has been very understanding. Wow I love that man.....what a gift. So Here I am, this is me, stripped bare.....I like it.......

2009-01-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

Psalm 139

"Lord you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; you are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know all about it Lord. You have encircled me; You have placed your hand on me. this extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
where can I escape your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I live in the Eastern Horizon or settle at the Western limits, even there your hand will lead me; Your right hand will hold on to me. If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light around me will become night" even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to You.
For it was you who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began. God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is! If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand; when I wake up, I am still with You.
Psalm 139:1-18

This has to be one of my favorite passages.....this is the Holman Christian Standard version...I just got it and I've like it so far..... If you are reading this then remember him, for he is with you in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows...."where can you flee from his presence?" He loves you..........

Merry Christmas Nina and Papoo!!

2008-12-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

So this post is especially for our Nina and Papoo who live in Florida. Actually right now I believe they are in Michigan celebrating the holidays with the rest of our fam. So this Christmas has been stressful, right now Shiloh is bad sick with a horrible cough....he is so pitiful....Abbey and Noah are doing great though, just waiting in anticipation for Christmas morning! At the moment we are sitting at the table having some hot cocco and laughing together. All the kids are missing their Nina and Papoo! We can't wait to see you.....Love Love

Abbey, Noah, Shiloh Rain, Liz, and Josh

2008-12-22T15:01:00.001-08:00

when your son dresses himself in a frilly bikini, you have no choice but to share it with the world.

kids are crazzay

2008-12-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when your kids get a hold of the camera......and Noah no-pants is of course living up to his name.......

Grief like an Ocean

2008-12-22T10:21:00.001-08:00

So this January will be two years since my sister in law Cassie passed away in a car accident. I wish I could say I've been healed, or that it gets easier. I don't think it does though. I think it hurts just as much, but maybe in a different way. At first it was just pure shock. I couldn't believe she was really gone. I kept thinking she would email me or call me. It was weird. When she died I just could not believe the amount of pain I was feeling over it. I never knew something could hurt so deeply. Finally I went to a grief counseler. I sat there in this room and just wept, telling this complete stranger about my pain and inability to let go of her. I truly felt that if I accepted that she was gone, then that would be it. It would be over and she would really be dead. I thought that if I kept grieving her loss then that somehow would keep her alive to me. So he asked me, if I did let her go....where would that leave me.....I was speechless.....he said alone......and then he went on to tell me that maybe my faith was shallow. I was just flabergasted. NO NO! How could I be shallow? I read my bible, I pray, I lift my hands in church, I speak in tounges!! But deep down, where is my faith? If I trust God, then ALL things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose right? Maybe, just maybe this was a truth I had not fully grasped. So this one appiontment drew me into seeking a new depth with God. Not only did I want to know truth in my head, but I wanted to experience it in my heart. So everyday when I seek him, I'm seeking for what's hidden, some things you may never see or find out if you weren't looking for it. There is a difference between knowing God loves you and experiencing his love. Or knowing you should love others, and actually loving others.....even your enemies, or those who make it hard to love them. Living a fully surrendered life is a choice you have to make every day. It's not easy to say I'm gonna uproot my kids and move them to another country, where situations could be dangerous, and will be hard sometimes. But if this is what I think God has called my family to then surrendering to him and his purpose is a choice I make. And by knowing and trusting God deeply I have assurance that he will take care of us. These things don't come easy. But they do come, if you seek long enough and hard enough.......and deep enough, he will reveal them to you. So life these days is good. But tough, sometimes I see someone who looks like Cassie and the grief washes over me again, like and ocean. And I remember her, her smile, her laugh. And I cry out to God "why!!? why did you have to take her?" I never got to tell her how special she was to me. How beautiful she was, and how much I loved everything about her........but then the Lord speaks yet again..."trust me" and I choose too. I choose him. In the calm, or in the storm, I choose him.......

To Share or Not to Share, that is the question......

2008-12-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

To share or not to share.......how to share....when to share.....how much to share????? My big question is about sharing my faith. What God is doing in me, my relationship with him. I've been trying to do this more lately. But you see when I first became a Christian I was very zealous. I shared to everyone and anyone. I soon found out that the more you put out there the more you can get hurt. And hurt I did.....so I made a decision to keep it in and avoid these painful situations. Now fast forward 8 years later. I've had some growth and feeling more confident in my faith so....I decide to share a little....well It has not been going how I thought it would. It's been more hurt and pain. See I have extreme beliefs (if you call believing the bible extreme) And I've always secretly been afraid that if people truly saw me for who I really am, they wouldn't like me. I do believe that Jesus is real, and he died on the cross for my sins. Then three days later he came back alive. His Grace washes over me every day. I believe God can raise and has raised People from the dead NOW! I believe in prophecy, tongues, healing......there is no limit to his power. I also believe hell is real and I don't want people to go there. I have an eternal mind set.......this life is but a vapor. I mean if you say your a Christian....then all these things are in the bible! It's a no brainer right??? Well apparently not. So this is my coming out party.......YES.......I believe I can fly....I believe I can touch the sky, I think about it every night and day....spread my wings and fly away........Ha!! Anyway I'm coming out as an extreme miracle believin, speakin in tongues, dancing before the Lord worshiper.......I Love Jesus!!!! It's no secret any more. It's ok to be who I am....it's OK!!! This is meeeee!!! I'll dance before the Lord, wave a flag, and be unashamed......

pure and holy

2008-12-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

So here I am in my walk with God......really struggling with some specific stuff. Humbleness, humility, pride.......you name it. I really make an effort to serve others, then I think "am I doing this to be seen doing it? Or for the sake of serving the Lord?" How can I do things with pure motives? In my heart I love help people I really want to do it. But I want it to be for His glory and not my own. How can I achieve this? I know I know Prayer!! The other day at dance practice Emory prayed "God make us Pure and Holy" and I wanted to cry out "this IS my hearts desire!!" When you are planning on going to the mission field people expect you to be a certain way or think a certain way. But just because I'm on my way to Mexico does not mean I have it all figured out. I'm a person same as you....I'm not special and I'm not any more qualified than you are. I'm just willing.....This is also frustrating. There are pressures all over in the church. To think and feel the way they say. But I don't always agree. I'm really having a rough time figuring things out right now. I know God is doing a good work in me that will be completed in his time. I'm a work in progress.......

Holiday From Hadies

2008-12-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

Well, here we go an another Newman adventure! Newman disaster more like. It seems like every time I go somewhere with all three kids alone something terrible happens. Well this time it was Abbey's Holiday program at her school. First of all, boo on all Holiday programs, I hate them all!! So the only reason I went was so I wouldn't be a bad mommy. Anywhoo, so we get there and Noah and I sit up in the bleachers on the top row so we can see Abbey. Shiloh is in the sling and doing fine. Of course as the program starts everything gets all quiet......this is the time he chooses to not just start crying but screaming bloody murder. And I mean he is freakin out, going craaazy. This poor girl gets up and is trying to do a violin solo but no one can hear over Shiloh's wailing. So I stand up and start climbing down the bleachers but it takes awhile and Noah is following.....so we get outside the gym and I can't get the child to settle down. so I go and nurse him while Noah is jumping around with ants in his pants running back and forth. So Shiloh finishes eating and resumes his screaming. Hence, he cried through the entire program. We never got to see Abbey sing. The whole thing was a monumental disaster. Now I'm at home drowning my sorrows into a bag of kettle corn.

peace out peeps

Another Day Another Doughnut

2008-12-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

Adventures in weight loss, that is what this post is about.......So most of you know I have recently had a baby, my third. Well I gained 55lbs with this pregnancy and have been working to take it off. It seems like an uphill battle, I nursing so I'm like starving all the time, and of course it's the holidays.....the season for fattness. I feel as if the world is conspiring against me. Everywhere I look there are treats to tempt me. Pumpkin bread, pie, candy........now I always start off the day with good intentions, and I do eat healthy since I'm nursing but wow, everywhere I go it seems like people are trying to get me to eat. I need a sign that says "can't you see I'm fat! NO, I don't want to sample a cookie!" My mom is the worst, I'll go over to her house and the only thing she has is cookies and cake. Or she'll have the kids over and they will bake cookies with her and she sends them home with a batch of homemade whatever. Then of course church is next, with their evening meetings of dessert and coffee. Or my skinny friends all saying "let's have a sweet swop" I just want to smack them across the face and say "I AM A MASSIVE BEAST! I CAN'T SWOP ANY DAMN SWEETS WITH YOU!" But of course this would be rude. I love my friends, I just get frustrated sometimes. My worst time is evening, after dinner. I get the munchies. When I try to go to bed I'm thinking "theres recees peanut butter cups in the kitchen" they speak to me, calling my name. And of course chocolate is my weakness, just plain good milk chocolate, mmmmmmm. Anyways so I've been trying to train for this half marathon with Molly, who is so good to put up with my fat ass. Sometimes I go so slow she can't even run as slow as me! And I've got all these new aches and pains. I feel like I'm limping instead of running. So these are just a few of my adventures in weight loss. Another day another doughnut, er, I mean piece of whole grain bread.

Too Much Pressure!!!!

2008-12-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

So this blog was supposed to be an outlet for my humor but this morning I am forced to use it to vent my frustrations......Why is it that women are under so much pressure to be perfect? I mean we are expected to carry and give birth to children, then of course lose all the weight and look great, whilst taking care of all these said children, keeping the house clean, having a yummy dinner on the table and of course taking care of our husbands......laundry, having a relationship with the Lord ourselves....trying to find time to pray for said husbands and every other person we happen to know.....wake up in the middle of the night with sick children or hungry babies, find time to exercise.....ahhhhhhhhhh will the madness ever end!! What if I want to just read my freakin book every once in a while? Or maybe just sit on my butt? NOOOOOO! And this isn't even mentioning moms who work. Hats off to you! I used to work and found it even more difficult. I feel like I clean up so much and everytime I look around it seems as if I've done nothing. And I'm convinced my kids toys are multiplying themselves since there seems to be more every day.
At the Beginning of the week I always have such great ambitions, like "this week I'm gonna make heathy meals, get up early and exercise, have my quiet time, actually fix my hair and wear cute clothes" then by about Wednesday it's eggo waffles, rushing around to make it anywhere on time, crazy stick uppy hair, jeans and t-shirs - clean ones optional, and a prayer time in the car between yelling at the kids to stop fighting. Then every Sunday I think "this is it" well poo poo on that. No more. I'll have the crazy hair everyday! I'm gonna give all the moms reading this permission to chill out a little today. Let's read our books or take a nap........we deserve to cut ourselves a little slack.....so shout out to all my mommy friends......I love you......you are doing great!!

Ahhh A Beautiful Beginning

2008-11-29T07:13:00.000-08:00

So here it is, by popular demand I have finally started myself a blog!!!! I hope to bring joy and laughter to all who read it. And if you don't laugh then I may be forced to hunt you down and of course moon you......or maybe just pull out my butt picture.....Oh yes, I have many weapons to make use of. So I take it you will all read it and LIKE it! Ha ha ha!!!! Anyways here we are.....
Fasten your seatbelts! It is sure to be a bumpy ride!!