Breaking the Bloggy Silence

I must apologize to my 2.5 followers for never updating my blog. I know you've been waiting and hoping each day for a new post! I've just been busy from all this child rearing and Ironman training..... but I've been thinking (dangerous for me) about some stuff.... so here it is-

Some of you... probably most of you know I've been training for a Triathlon in June. It's been rigorous, exhausting, and extremely fun! I love a good challenge that brings me to the brink of myself. I need to have goals in my future or I would be hopeless. Anyway I was on my bike the other day and I started thinking about how this training has been different from others.... now, I hate it when people say things like this because it irritates me when everything becomes spiritual and what not BUT.... that is exactly how I feel about this particular goal. The last few months I've been on hiatus in a matter of speaking. I felt so burnt out with the whole mess of church and service and prayer and bible study and and and and.... all these expectations that I put on myself.... everything felt like an obligation and one day I just threw my arms up and said "enough!" I vented to my husband how I was feeling..... I vented to God all my frustrations and waited to be struck by lightning...... I guess He was feeling extra kind that day because I did survive the gripe fest unharmed. I decided that if I wasn't doing things out of a heart of Love then I should take a big step back. I'm learning how to say no. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do things even when we don't feel like it.... but I just felt in my heart that I needed a break and a better perspective. So that is what I did. If I felt like staying home Sunday morning, I did. And I didn't feel guilty about it. If I was feeling overwhelmed with my Bible Study curriculum... I just left it blank. I asked the Lord to please show me grace through this season ( I guess I was feeling guilty still) and He did. I let things roll off my back and didn't worry what anyone would think about it. Who cares anyway? I can't make everyone happy.... trying to do that is how I got in this mess in the first place. So I concentrated on my family and my training. Then, one day I was riding, and a thought popped into my head.... Maybe God created me the way I am for a purpose? I was surprised by this thought because I was beginning to think I had dropped one too many F-bombs and God had given up on me. Turns out you can drop the F-bomb and still be saved.... disclaimer: I'm not recommending cursing, but there are some situations in life where it seems only profanity will do. Like when you smash your finger in the cabinet... or take a spill on your bike with your feet still clipped in... or your child spills an entire box of cereal on the floor then smashes it all into powder. Just a few examples..... anywho, I started to think that my lack of a filter (I've heard people have those) may actually serve a good purpose instead of just getting me into trouble. And maybe all the bluntness which seems to always get me in trouble or leave me with feelings of remorse could be refreshing to some..... Maybe. I'm starting to think I've been limiting myself with all these expectations about how I think I "should" be. Who freaking cares about all that crap?? Maybe I am what I am.... and that could possibly in some crazy messed up world be a good thing... Maybe. That is where the realizations end for now..... I'm still mulling it over. And I've got plenty of hours in the pool, on my bike, and running to meditate on it..... I'm thankful God hasn't given up on me... and I promise to drop fewer f-bombs in the future.... Maybe.

Ironman

I have decided to give the Ironman another try. So on June 26 2011 this muffin top (hopefully much smaller) will drag herself through 140 miles in 17 hours or less. Oh my. What have I done? More updates soon.

May/June madness

I must apologize for my lack of updating. So to my 6 followers I am deeply sorry. I know it's been a huge void in your life.

May and June have been interesting. We finished up school (home school) and the Summer began. Now a few weeks in I'm thinking of putting everyone in school in the fall. Mommas tired! Without much routine things can get crazy. My weight loss has been consistent though. Who knew diet and exercise worked so well? I cracked down on myself pretty hard and the work has paid off. Plus I added an extra day of running because I'm attempting to increase my speed. I'll let you know how it works out. I'm hoping to go from snail pace to turtle pace.

I discovered that having my son's 2yr old birthday coming up has motivated me. I'm thinking I want to be past this by then. 2 years is a long time to be struggling with your weight. I'm teaching a class tomorrow on staying trim, it kind of feels like a victory that I was even asked to do it. Also my husband sent me out to go shopping since I have no clothes that fit. It felt so good to be excited about shopping again! I found some great stuff too.

All in all the last few months have been great. My muffin top has gone from jumbo size to medium. Maybe one day it will be a mini muffin. You know, those lemon poppy seed ones......mmmmm..... ok I think it may stay medium. but that's fine with me.

Fat pics skinny pics

Ok guys. At the very top is me in Times Square this February at about 150lbs. This is my most recent pic. Under it is last Thanksgiving at about 160. Not feeling good! Especially standing next to my gorgeous sister Annie! And Below are two pics from last fall.... I was between 160-165 in both of these. Now I do have some REAL big pics from right after Shiloh but I haven't uploaded them yet. I'm not afraid or embarrassed at all! This is me, this is real. This is an every day struggle for every day women. There is no shame here.

More to come!

The Importance of Being My Playlist

I am completely dependent on my play list. If my ipod dies during a run I get in my car and go home. One of my worst nightmares is my ipod running out of power at the other end of the trail, leaving me music-less for 2.5 miles. God forbid! Now I have quite a few good running partners so I don't have to run alone too often. But when I go to the gym I have to have my music. Especially if I am braving the treadmill. I abhor that horrible machine. Two miles feels like seven and you can see exactly how far you have gone, or not gone. It is tedious. Now if the gym provides magazines like US Weekly then that can soften the blow. It's amazing how looking at pictures of Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise can make a workout better. Not to mention those pictures of celebrities pumping their own gas or taking a big bite out of a burger. But at the Y they don't see this trash as necessary so they are few and far between. And I feel bad buying them from the store. So I have found that my play list is a workout lifesaver. Nothing too slow and definitely no cheesy stuff. I love The Killers, they are my number one band right now. I can make it through 60 minutes on the elliptical this way. Add Suri and it's even fun. Now once I make it to lifting weights I switch over to maybe some John Mayer. He may be a total idiot, but I like his music. Now let's just talk about weight lifting. I lift about 3 times a week, putting me around all the annoying men at the gym..... 3 times a week. I love lifting weights but I get so irritated by men at the gym. Oh they walk around flexing and grunting. And they drop the weights and throw them around making the most noise possible. Oh and Checking themselves out in the mirror! It is ridiculous, but I can understand men gotta be men so I turn up the tunes to drown them out. Oh and steer clear of the flying sweat! Gross! When the high school kids are there it almost puts me over the edge. 16yr old girls barely dressed fixing their hair and pulling out their wedgies while admiring their new mystic tan. So if John isn't doing the trick I hit some Tom Petty. One of my all time faves. Oh and of course U2 and Coldplay. With exercise and weight loss I need things to look forward to, and great music helps me with my workout. Hey, with all this work there needs to be some fun!

Weekend Wreckless Abandon

What is it about the weekend that makes us loose our weight loss focus? Why is it that I feel totally justified in eating half a box of white cheddar cheezits at 11am on Saturday? If it's ok for Saturday then why isn't it ok on Tuesday? Weird. Of course every Monday is a day of renewal. Each new commitment is made on Sunday night after burgers and Frito scoops. And don't even try to wear those form fitting exercise pants to the gym on Monday. those are strictly Thursday pants. For some reason in my mind the weekend is my "time off" from all this dieting. It's tiring counting all the calories every day and trying to make it in under my daily allotment. I just want a day or two where I don't have to think about it. I may even put sugar in my coffee..... real sugar *gasp*

But with all these thoughts comes one more. Am I only making my road longer? Maybe if I could stay away from that scone on Saturday morning I would have made it to my goal. Or that glass of wine...... No that won't happen. I have realized I can rationalize myself into anything. The dialogue in my head goes something like this: "Well I had a salad for lunch yesterday, so it's ok to have this bowl of ice cream." Or "I had egg whites for breakfast so it's ok to have chick fil a." I am a genius at convincing myself into getting what I want with minimal guilt. I should teach a class.

So here's to making a little more effort every day..... not just Monday through Friday. I think I'll start next weekend.

Adventures in Weight Loss and severe Muffin Top

August 3, 2008 I tipped the scales at 187. That was before I had my third baby. I was hoping the baby would take some of that weight with him. It turns out he only weighed 5lbs 8oz. Are you kidding me! Too bad I couldn't give birth to my butt. I was still in shock that I could actually gain that much weight. I've always been slimmer. So when I went from 135 to 187.... well I was floored. After much thought on the subject I realized that I had gotten pregnant after a very painful year. My sister in law had just passed away, and I was still recovering. Unfortunately recovering meant lots of Purple Onion, Ben and Jerry's, and french fries from Arby's. Put that together with a pregnancy, and well, you get about 60lbs of fattness!

September 2008. It's time to start doing something about this weight. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I look more like the michelin man with all these layers. The biggest problem I have is all the nursing was making me so hungry! They say you need an extra 500 calories per day when you're nursing. 500? that's it? I could eat that many calories in my sleep! That's not even one pint of ice cream! (Nobody really only eats one serving of ice cream, do they?) Anyway I was not cleared for exercise yet, so I was walking a little with the baby, and eating plenty, you know, to keep up with the nursing. Peanut m&m's are great for breast milk, didn't you know? At this point I was 176lbs

October 2008. My first trip to Target. I bought a pair of jeans. Size 17. Who knew these sizes existed! I felt horrible and cried the whole way home. My friend gave me her "fat jeans" to wear. I couldn't fit into them. I couldn't fit into someone Else's fat jeans..... major low point. Still holding 176.

November 2008. thanksgiving is coming and I'm giving thanks for all the layers to keep me warm. I get my hair cut short which only emphasizes my chubby cheeks, on my face and my butt. I'm still holding the same weight and disgusted at my younger sister who seems to never be able to cover up her mid driff. And it's a skinny one. Ugh! Also my older sister just hit her goal weight. Great for her! Yadda Yadaa Yadda. No seriously, I was happy for them, in a cynical kind of way. On the upside I have made a new friend who is going to train with me for a half marathon. I'm thankful to make a great friend in Molly, even if she's a beautiful blond with a rockin bod. I'll forgiver her for that because she loves to read and makes me laugh. So I feel I'm on the way to weight loss success. Too bad running can't cancel out Cool Ranch Doritos....

December 2008. Christmas Parties, cookies, wine, eggnog, cookies, cake, cookies. And of course the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks..... Only a million calories. At least I haven't gained any weight. But I haven't lost any either. And running is very tough to do when your thighs rub together and make your pants bunch up a the crotch. Shiloh is still nursing like a champ and I'm still eating like one. I ring in the new year with red velvet cupcakes and champagne. But I'm fasting sugar for the next 3wks so I feel justified.

January 2009. Still running. Still struggling with weight and food. I can fit into a size 14 jeans, but with plenty of muffin top to go around. Anyone want some? I celebrate my 27th birthday and 9 yr wedding anniversary. Cake!

February 2009. Valentines day. Candy, cookies, treats galore. No more fasting so bring on the sweets. Still running and completely puzzled at why I can't loose weight. I mean, I see plenty of skinny women eating sweets..... what's the deal??

march 2009. More of the same. I have a new weight loss friend as my sister in law Betsy just had a baby so we're in the same boat. I giver her my 17's...... they are too big. Hell!

April 2009. I run a marathon 15 minutes faster than I planned. Woo hoo! And I'm at 170. So let me get a woop woop! It was a great time with friends and little Shiloh came along for the ride. I'm feeling more optimistic about this weight thing.

May 2009. I go to Abbey's end of the year party and feel like a huge beast in comparison to other moms. This is difficult. Wish I was my old self.

June 2009. I stop nursing and finally feel like I can get this weight off. I quickly loose 5lbs, leaving me at 165. I finally start monitoring my diet. you know, no more pop tarts, cookies, candy....... more like eggs, whole wheat toast, salads, veggies, fruit, nuts, grilled meat. I'm fine with eating these things. I love them. But I also love bbq chips and cheezits, here in lies the problem. Try and substitute blueberries for chips.... nope, doesn't work. Blueberries are good. But so are cheezits.

July 2009. Summer is here and I feel like a whale in my swimsuit. I'm holding the same weight but finding it hard to loose. My eating is ok but still not consistent. I usually start out great, but really have a hard time around 3pm. That's when I get the munchies. And not for baby carrots. This month we have Shiloh dedicated. It was a sweet day and I did like my dress. Things are looking up

August 2009, I realize my son is one year old and I've only lost about 10-15 lbs of baby weight. PANIC! I join the gym. When I go I wonder if any of the guys notice me. Probably not. But they did notice the huge booger hanging out of my nose one day. DAMN! I just can't win.

September 2009, I'm down a couple of lbs. maybe 163.5. The scale is my mortal enemy. I have dreams of throwing it against the wall or off my balcony. I cannot do this though because it is what grounds me and keeps my from ordering that 470 calorie scone at Starbucks. I'm beginning to think that these people who loose large amounts of weight are heroes. It is so hard. I think they are rock stars.

October 2009 a group of friends are training for the Vulcan 10k. I start meeting them to run. This is a great encouragement and I'm excited to do this race. After completing it I get an email with my pictures. Yea, I should not have worn those shorts. Look out for thunder thighs! Encouragement over. I'm beginning to think that this is my new body and will be forever. I cry myself to sleep many nights.

November 2009. I do a cleanse that gets me down to 155. This is awesome! I feel like I can really do this and hit the gym and the pavement pretty hard. My eating is becoming more consistent. I put a little bit of the weight back on which is normal for a cleanse.

December 2009. The holidays kept me from really loosing but I managed to maintain. I'm excited about my anniversary trip with my husband in February and vow to loose some weight before I go. New York baby! Bagels!

January 2010. I celebrate my 28th birthday and anniversary! I'm down to 150 and feeling like I can really do this. Unfortunately no guys at the gym give me any glances, only the creepy dude at Bruno's. Oh well. This month I have a miscarriage. There is not much to say but it was terribly sad. To try and explain would be a whole other blog post. Comfort food.

February 2010. New York is a great distraction for me. Things start to feel ok. I start using a calorie counter and find success. Down a few more lbs in no time.

March 2010. Shiloh is 20 months and I have gone from 187 to 147. It's been a long road and I'm still not there yet. I'm proud of my achievements so far. We run the Seaside half marathon and I am 30 minutes faster than when my muffin top ran a half the year before! Wahoo! I buy a pair of jeans size 8. Single digits baby! And only 12 lbs to go until I hit pre baby weight. Wow. People are starting to notice and everyone is so supportive. Me and my muffin top are truly blessed.

April 2010. I'm looking forward to finishing up this almost 2yr long stint of dieting. I am tired of trying to loose weight. I'm so sick of salads. Some days it's easy and some days it's not. Did you know an apple at 30g of sugar? That's crazy. And a Moe's homewrecker is like 800 calories. Maybe more. Ignorance is bliss. But I'm working hard and having fun with my running again now that I can do it without feeling like my butt is going to hit someone in the face from bouncing around so much. All in all it is so worth it.

More updated to come on the status of my muffin top.