Grief like an Ocean

So this January will be two years since my sister in law Cassie passed away in a car accident. I wish I could say I've been healed, or that it gets easier. I don't think it does though. I think it hurts just as much, but maybe in a different way. At first it was just pure shock. I couldn't believe she was really gone. I kept thinking she would email me or call me. It was weird. When she died I just could not believe the amount of pain I was feeling over it. I never knew something could hurt so deeply. Finally I went to a grief counseler. I sat there in this room and just wept, telling this complete stranger about my pain and inability to let go of her. I truly felt that if I accepted that she was gone, then that would be it. It would be over and she would really be dead. I thought that if I kept grieving her loss then that somehow would keep her alive to me. So he asked me, if I did let her go....where would that leave me.....I was speechless.....he said alone......and then he went on to tell me that maybe my faith was shallow. I was just flabergasted. NO NO! How could I be shallow? I read my bible, I pray, I lift my hands in church, I speak in tounges!! But deep down, where is my faith? If I trust God, then ALL things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose right? Maybe, just maybe this was a truth I had not fully grasped. So this one appiontment drew me into seeking a new depth with God. Not only did I want to know truth in my head, but I wanted to experience it in my heart. So everyday when I seek him, I'm seeking for what's hidden, some things you may never see or find out if you weren't looking for it. There is a difference between knowing God loves you and experiencing his love. Or knowing you should love others, and actually loving others.....even your enemies, or those who make it hard to love them. Living a fully surrendered life is a choice you have to make every day. It's not easy to say I'm gonna uproot my kids and move them to another country, where situations could be dangerous, and will be hard sometimes. But if this is what I think God has called my family to then surrendering to him and his purpose is a choice I make. And by knowing and trusting God deeply I have assurance that he will take care of us. These things don't come easy. But they do come, if you seek long enough and hard enough.......and deep enough, he will reveal them to you. So life these days is good. But tough, sometimes I see someone who looks like Cassie and the grief washes over me again, like and ocean. And I remember her, her smile, her laugh. And I cry out to God "why!!? why did you have to take her?" I never got to tell her how special she was to me. How beautiful she was, and how much I loved everything about her........but then the Lord speaks yet again..."trust me" and I choose too. I choose him. In the calm, or in the storm, I choose him.......